"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same. Nor would you want to." - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

Before this year ends, I want to be able to truthfully express how my year went and give justice in telling how much I love this particular person.

Commencing 2018
Entering 2018 without the chains of an unhealthy relationship, I promised myself that this year will be a year of change and self-love. And it became it. The first few weeks at the beginning of the year, God gave me someone who would completely see me as I am and still love me regardless of my flaws and poor judgments. Art was the highlight of my year. Looking back to that day I realized that Art came to my life when I needed him the most. The first 6 months of the year was the happiest days of my life. I was with someone who loved me despite everything. He carried my emotional baggage with me even if he was carrying his own. We were such a great team. We had each other and it was all that mattered.
I've been saying this to people and I'm gonna say it a million times if I have to. HE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. He is the best part of my life. He saved me from what could probably be a horrible future. This is one of the countless reasons why I love him so terribly, and I couldn't ever find myself to look at another man like the way I look at him. His heart was so pure and kind. He had firm principles. He had impeccable sense of humor - I have never met someone funnier than him. I'm not saying his perfect or like the kind of guy you read on novels. No. He is Art and I truly love him for what he is. He taught me to love myself without being conceited. He was such a blessing to me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish he would eventually come back. Like this could just be some tv drama and he's not really gone, he's just laying low somewhere. But then at some point, when I eventually come out from my own delusions, I realize that this is real life. This shit happened to me. But it's true what they say though, "God doesn't give challenges to people who can't overcome them."

About Losing Art
The pain? It's still there. It reappears once in a while. Some days it's like small ocean waves. Some days it's like a huge tsunami. But just like the ocean it never disappears.

Almost always everyday for the past 5 months, I find myself at the brink of giving up because the pain was all too consuming. I didn't know I was unconsciously punishing myself for missing out on him by not giving myself the forgiveness I've so easily given to others. I can't believe I've met the guy 15 years ago, and only now did I finally see what I great man he is. But if I were to be completely honest, I was finding it more hard to forgive myself for staying too long in a relationship which only gave me nothing but heartaches. In my mind, maybe, just maybe, fate would catch up on us early.

An Attempt to A Fresh Start
2018 crushed me, ripped me apart almost to the point of giving up. But I survived despite. For now, that's what matters.

For 2019, best bet that I'm a hundred times better than I ever was. They say leave the past behind. I say I'm bringing all my past with me. It molded me to what I am today. All the heartaches and tears have thickened my skin (well literally and figuratively, because yo mama's getting lumpy). My experiences and its lessons are the foundation of my life. But bringing my past with me doesn't mean bringing back the people I choose to leave behind - NO! I'm saying that in order for me to become a better version of myself, I have to embrace my experiences with an optimistic mind and a positive attitude. Because I know that is what he would want to see from above. Art had such a positive impact to my life. His love and wisdom is the best gift I have ever received this year. He gave me a clearer view of things. He showed me all that I could possibly offer in this world. He believed in me so much... It hurts to even think about it now that he's gone.

I'll be leaving 2018 with a stronger heart and a clearer mind. 2019 is my year and I know it.



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