Almost 7 years ago, I met a guy.

*sigh* Where could I possibly begin to tell a story I already want to end.

I wish I could tell you I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 22. I wish I could tell you that we were part of the small percentage of high school relationships that actually got a "happily ever after". I wish I could tell you I ended up with my first love. I wish I could tell you that I'm about to share a heartwarming story of how a girl meets a boy and they completely changed each others' lives for the better. But I can't.

....

....

....

Uggghh. This is getting kind of gloomy. My first blog post for the year and I'm about to share the how's and the why's of ending my almost 7-year relationship with my highschool boyfriend. *nervous laughs*

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

It was because of a stupid pair-up assignment from an English class. Everything should've ended there. I should've known you were going to leave a scar - a huge one - in my life, and I shouldn't have let you. Opening my Facebook account on the same day was another mistake because by then I made another poor judgment of actually accepting a friend request - your friend request. I should not have felt those butterflies if I knew, 6 years and 11 months later, you were only going to drive them away. I should not have seen you smile, if I knew, 6 years and 11 months later, I'm no longer going to be the reason for it. I should've known better that, 6 years and 11 months later, after filling my heart with so much love, you were going to break it, like how a piggy bank gets shattered when you already needed some money.

Relationships are never always going to be all rainbows and butterflies, never always going to be a walk in the sunshine. Pfft. I knew that. Relationships are a risk - a danger you willingly take. But why? Why do we take the risk of putting our fragile hearts on the line? LOVE - stupid, irrational, illogical love.

At the start of our relationship, I knew you were not going to be good for me, but I pushed back that thought so hard I actually made myself believe otherwise. I got caught up to the fantasy of finding someone you'll be with for the rest of your life at an early age. I thought I was going to be the kind of person nobody takes for granted for. Because I thought if I loved you with all of me - with all that I could possibly offer - you'd never choose anyone but me.

I loved you. I loved you so bad it actually hurts so much when you first had your "fallout moment". It was as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest. It's a cliche statement to describe a heartbreak but I could no longer exaggerate the pain. It hurts knowing the truth, but at that moment, losing you hurts more, so I stayed. I stayed long enough that by the time you've made your fourth and last "fallout" it no longer hurts as much as it did the first time. And so I left. I wish I could say I didn't cry for the last time, but I did. It may not have hurt as much, but it still stung.

But why did I stay? Why did I freakin' stay for 6 years and 11 months?

The next few words I'm gonna say is going to be one with the most conviction I have ever made and this is accompanied with all the pieces of my shattered heart. My love for you kept me from using my senses. It kept me from thinking rationally. It made me illogical, senseless. I was blinded by love, deafened by love, numbed by love. My love for you was so strong that it made me convince myself that you will change eventually. And I thought all the love I gave was enough for you to actually choose to be a better version of yourself. But then, when everything ended, that was when I realize that motivation to change has to come from within and not from anyone else.

As my last and parting words for the guy who showed me love but (I'm) unsure if he really meant it:

Despite everything I am still glad I met you. We had great moments together, and those are the memories I will forever cherish. There's no point dwelling in the heartaches and the shortcomings of the past. And becoming a bitchy ex-girlfriend isn't really right up my alley. 

Now, everyday I remind myself that it took a great deal of strength for me to go through everything I have gone through with you, and you made me realize how strong I am as a person and as a woman. As the song goes, "You've made me stronger by breaking my heart." "You've taught me everything from falling in love to letting go of a lie. Yes, you've made me stronger by saying goodbye.". But walking away from a relationship that was filled with lies when you're already too invested to leave was one of the strongest things I have ever done in my life. If I've endured all that, there's nothing I couldn't possibly endure.

....

....

....

....

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation. Well, probably, except my family and friends, but I'm sharing this as an outburst of emotion and to finally let go of the past and let it become just a lesson in itself. None of that "whoever does the breakup wins the break up" type of shitty talk. Nobody wins in a break up. When a relationship ends, both parties lose.

Or I don't know. I'm no relationship expert. But for me, that's the way I see it.

Next blog post will be a lot less gloomy :)

Keep Posted.